his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
