i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
