I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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