maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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