I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm getting married
To pizza
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
