Where did you get a picture of my penis
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
