In the future we'll all be gay
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
