I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
