I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
