I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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