I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
