I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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