I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
