ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
