I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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