Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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