Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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