when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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