If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I checked into jail on foursquare
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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