I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
