I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
