I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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