Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
