Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
