so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
