i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
