Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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