when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The air was thick with penises
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
