My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
bring money and cleavage
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
