I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
