i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
