Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
