awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
