Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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