I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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