Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
