I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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