Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
