i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
