I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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