it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
