it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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