I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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