I showed him my bush... on skype.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
