i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
