My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
