Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
