I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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