Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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