She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
