i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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