I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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