Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
