she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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