Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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