I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
