Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
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The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
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we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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