Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
