I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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