I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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