Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
